Day 32. Much better place today. Woke up to messages this morning. Sober searchers. Messages from people who are sober curious. They say they can relate to some of the experiences and thoughts I’ve had. Some think they may have a toxic relationship with alcohol too. Some have started their recovery journey, some have stopped drinking and started again..some are thinking about stopping.
I get it. I did it too. Googling alcohol addiction quizzes, reading blogs..social media posts..messaging people.
It’s part of my journey.
The stopping and starting, the moderating, the rules I set and broke. All part of it. So is this online documentation. It’s like my lifeboat right now. Until I get to steadier ground, I need this to hold me accountable.
I no longer crave a drink every day but it almost seems that when the urge to drink comes it’s more intense. I wait it out. Trust that the urge will pass. I also do what I’ve heard called “thinking through the drinking.” I visualise what the one drink would do for me… It would make me want more. My all or nothing mind would say “screw it! You already messed up. You might as well do it up right!” A glass would turn into a bottle. At least.
Then I think about how I would feel in the morning. The guilt. The regret. I would picture myself having to confess to my relapse on here. Then I would have to start all over again. Quit drinking. Again.
Next, I remind myself of what I like about not drinking.
I love climbing into bed at night, clear headed. I love that I can read at night again. I love that I sleep through the night. I don’t get up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. I don’t wake up at 3AM with self loathing thoughts. I don’t feel the guilt. I love that my focus at night is not rushing through whatever I am doing to get to my first drink. I love that I can pray and go to church without being interrupted with thoughts of shame and disgust. I love that I no longer feel as though I am living a lie. I love that my face isn’t bloated and I feel thinner. I love that I never forget to move the Elf!
I also love that I am exploring new opportunities. Today I met with a local interior designer. We did a few segments together when I was in television. I just wanted to pick her brain about the industry. I think I am finally going to sign up for classes. Something I have wanted to do for the last 10 years.
When alcohol doesn’t control your thoughts, your time and your emotions.. you free up a lot of space.
When the fog is lifted you are reminded of the things you once loved to do..and you discover new possibilities.
On the bad days, I hang onto the picture of who I am becoming on this journey.
I wish I could tell you it’s a fast process, sober searchers.