Day 37. Still here. Feeling better. I contacted a few sober people I know last week. Thursday was so hard. Nearly all day I was thinking..”you can get a bottle of wine. No one would even know. Your husband will get over it if he finds out.” My mind drifted to future events, vacations, “You really think you won’t be drinking by then?”
The thought only got louder as the day went on. I texted a friend who celebrates her one year sobriety next week and she told me..it does get better. It does get easier.
Friday I met with another friend who is in recovery and what he said gave me a whole new outlook. He explained that for the first time since I was 13 I am walking without crutches. I took away the binge eating, the insane schedule, and now the alcohol. He said, “you are limping, but you’re moving forward. And I am so excited for you because you are going to be running without those crutches one day. You are going to discover who you truly are and what life can be when you are free from those crutches for the very first time.”
The limping is more like crawling sometimes. Crawling in slow motion. My feelings are all over the place. For so long they were stopped up. Like some sort of emotional constipation. The drinking kept them packed in..
Now they are jumping out everywhere. I just crawl through them..Hoping we can all play nicely together some day.
Saturday while I was driving home from a work event, I heard the phrase in my head..”we are wired for relationships.” It’s something I say all the time. I know that we were never meant to live in isolation..that we need community. But this time, I felt as if God then said, “That’s right, and I never wired you for alcohol.”
All this time, I was so hung up on the why me? Why can’t I drink like everyone else? Why can’t I just go with the flow, keep my secret..besides no one really knew.
I totally ignored the fact that if I am this upset over not being able to drink ..I have allowed something to completely take over my mind. Why would I want to let that continue? And while I know all of this..I still have the pangs. While planning a summer dream trip today for the family, I looked at my husband and said..we are finally going..and all I can think of is that I can’t have a glass of wine while we are there. He reminded me to focus on today.
Last night three people from high school reached out to let me know they have been sober for years… one of them 16 years!!! They all say they’ve never been happier.
I believe them.
I am excited to meet the new me. I am grateful for the new and old friends and their encouragement. I am relieved that I am finally willing to talk to God again.
For the last year the shame has been so sharp I locked Him out. Like a rebellious teenager in her room refusing to come out and listen. So mad that I ignored his warnings, sad that I defiantly chose alcohol over Him. And all this time He was there..just outside the door. Waiting.