This Is Virginia Kerr

How I outed myself to find accountability, freedom and joy. A life without alcohol.

image2Day 44.

Finished my 1000 piece puzzle. So glad to get it out of my sight. In the end I was cramming pieces to make it work. I miss it sometimes.

I started it to keep my mind off drinking. It protected my husband from random rants during the first few weeks. During the moments I was so irritable I’d snap.

It helped me work through cravings and frustrations. Showed me when to know it was time to walk away. Trust that I’d come back and discover the missing piece. Eventually see why certain parts weren’t meant to go together.

When I was in high school I never felt like I fit. Never belonged to a certain group. I hung out with cheerleaders, thespians, some jocks, band members, the super smart ones and even some cool kids. I was a social chameleon I guess.

There were only a few who got to see all of my personality parts at once. Three to be exact. Really just one. Saw him a couple years ago. Wasn’t the same. But neither was I.

Deep down. I’m strange. A dork, loner, wanna be-but not really. I mean that in the nicest way.

I think my dad was the first to see that person.

Maybe because I got it from him.

For so long I was afraid to admit we were similar because of his mental illness. It’s pretty complicated.  His mental illness that is.

But before that part of him surfaced we shared a lot. Running, country music (the Boxcar Willie Ronnie Milsap kind) the need to be extremely loud, imaginary friends, quirky characters….

Like Lucas Bryan. He came out as soon as my dad lit the charcoal in the grill and popped open his Michelob. But only then. To be clear. I was Lucas Bryan. My dad knew he arrived when I walked out the door with my ball cap on backwards.

Freaks. Happy. Freaks.

Once my dad got sick. It would be hard to share those moments.

Every episode of mania, depression, deceit…pushed those moments off until they no longer existed.

As I unthaw. Unpickle- as my mom calls it. I’m starting to get a clearer view of the past and people who were in it. In me…

I can spot a few other fellow strange ones in my life. All guys. Not boyfriends. Just friends.

They were all in tv too. Weird.

I was thinking about this as I was watching “Elf” with my son yesterday. Buddy the Elf. Watching him reminded me of one of my favorite days. With one of my favorite friends.

I couldn’t stop laughing. Tears. Stomach aches. We made up a couple of characters for a Halloween Special. No scripts. Just went for it. That was years ago.

I cannot remember a time when I was drunk that was that fun. Like belly-deep, wailing fun. Sure I can think of funny times being intoxicated…but that carefree? Candid? Unguarded…never. Not like this. If there was, I can’t remember it. Go figure.

There were other moments like these. Mostly in front of the camera. It’s a different world when you want it to be.

See. Loner.

I don’t mean sad. Just solo. Different. Odd.

My son gets it. He gets that part of me. You should see the characters that emerge when we’re together.

Fear of never fitting in. Drinking made that fear go away. It made the pieces seem to fit. Until I was the only piece left most times.

Lose the fear. Embrace the freak.

I think I need another puzzle.

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