This Is Virginia Kerr

How I outed myself to find accountability, freedom and joy. A life without alcohol.

Polo, Obsession by Calvin Klein and Chrome.

Not sure what that says about my taste in boys and men but those are the colognes from my past that to this day will take me back in time to the days of dating in high school and living in Spokane Washington. It wasn’t too many years ago I caught myself standing at the counter spraying a sample card with Chrome just so I could smell it while I walked around the mall.

It wasn’t that I missed the boy. Or that it even really made me think about the boy. But it some how untapped a part of my brain that relaxed me and made me smile.

I know there’s some kind of science behind it. The scent stimulates some “lobe” that ignites some memory just enough to remind you that – yeah those were good times. But not enough to make me want to go back and relive it. I mean-that’s my guess.

Well, turns out I could probably walk around the mall smelling Apothic Red on a sample card too. The only red wine I liked (told you I’m no wine snob. Still won’t tell you the Chardonnay I drank by the gallon. You’d never be seen in public with me if I did.)

Apothic Red was the last alcohol I had on November 3rd. It was a bottle of Apothic and 5 beers….couldn’t tell you what those were. It was either beer or another bottle of Apothic. But more wine and I wouldn’t remember the end of the game.

And then I’d have to get up early and watch sports center or catch the replay before I spoke to my husband the next day. That’s usually what my Sunday morning’s at 2/3 AM during football season looked like.

I didn’t know that night would be our last time together. Nothing special about it except that Alabama beat LSU while we did our thing. Glorious.

I have a social business. And guess what. There is wine at our gatherings. And guess what…I can now attend my business events and not once have the desire to drink. That. Is. A. Stinking. Miracle. In fact, I didn’t even have a drink of anything in my hand last night. Would you look at that!

But the last two events including last night- I got a whiff of red wine. Apothic Red even. And I just had to inhale. Not a sniff. But a deep, long inhale. Ahhhhhh. Soooo good.

It didn’t make me want to drink. It just untapped that almost memory just enough to make me smile. Didn’t make me want to get back together.

Just remember the good parts. The days when it seemed innocent and playful. Before she flipped on me and took over my mind.

If you can’t figure out why you say you don’t want to drink but then the urge takes over and you do. Or you wake up and until 3 in the afternoon you have convinced yourself you’re done. You have no desire to drink and then the thoughts pop up. And you find the craving so intense that by the time you get to 8 o’clock you have lost all control.

Just know- it’s not you. It’s her. She has taken over your brain. Tricked you it into thinking you have to have her. She is a cunning, crazy B.

It’s not you. It’s her.

And she doesn’t. Just want your brain. She wants your memories, your body, your time. She wants your potential. Your future. She wants your life.

Sometimes it may even feel like she wants your soul.

She has made enough promises and tricked you into thinking you need her all the time. At least everyday. She has gotten her claws in. And they’ll only get deeper.

It’s such a slow process that you won’t even know how you got there.

No. She won’t get away with this with everyone. But she’s really good at what she does.

And even though her aroma still gets me giddy. She is nowhere close to getting me back. Because I never want to feel imprisoned and misunderstood. Possessed like that again.

If you think her claws are too deep and you can’t get her out of your mind. You’re letting her win.

You are better than her, you are stronger than her. You deserve more and your family sure as hell deserves you more than she does.

I’m living proof that you don’t have to be a full blown, in the gutter, DUI, lost family, lost job alcoholic to have a problem.

I just got rid of her before she took me down that far.

Maybe that’s why her scent makes me smile.

That’s the smell of sweet victory.

2 thoughts on “Day 139

  1. Kathy Bartolotta says:

    ❤️❤️❤️❤️

    Like

  2. Barb Samples says:

    Virginia I don’t know you personally, only met you by chance a few times. I watched you on TV and really had some type of connection. I have watched and followed your journey. Leaving the news station, followed your blog, watched you & Tim on The Thread and followed your new job journey with Rodman and Fields. I have to say that I truly admire your strength. I knew that you would make it through this journey. I just want to say you can beat this ugly monster, you will make it. Stay strong in your faith. Let Him help you everyday. You’ve got this. 💕

    Like

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