Hello friends! Just wanted to tell you that this alcohol thing is still a thing. But so is the growth, self awareness and gift.
I get why people go months without it and then start to think they can drink again. The last couple days my brain is telling me I can have one glass of wine. Or that I can go on vacation and just drink there. That I know why I drank and now I’m aware of my bad coping habits.
So here’s what I did. I started doing what I did in the very beginning all over again. I listen to 2-3 podcasts a day. I find similarities in their stories, I remind myself of what it was REALLY LIKE to drink.
To this day. I don’t want one glass of wine. I want to drink for hours. It’s true. Even if I never felt good after that. The initial fix was short lived. But our brains don’t remind us of that part so they?
And if I really was going to be given a day pass, I’d want to drink by myself. So it wouldn’t matter how drunk I got. It wouldn’t matter how I looked.
And on my day pass I would probably eat a lot too. I’d do a lot of the nasty unhealthy things that made me feel like crap and wake up ashamed. And I cannot imagine how guilty I would feel.
Shoot I have dreams to this day that I drank and then I wake up horrified and realize it was only a dream and run out of the room calling after my husband to tell him I really didn’t drink. As if he had the same dream.
I’m in a weird place. Not weird bad. Just different. I no longer fixate on what people think of me. I don’t take their every reaction or response personally.
I am having really candid conversations with my dad about his mental illness and our childhoods but there’s no blame game. We both are just learning more about the other.
My biggest fear of drinking one drink isn’t that I will drink every night and gain back the weight and look tired and haggard and become constipated for weeks (yeah alcohol does that too, so glamorous).
My biggest fear isn’t that I would have to tell you I relapsed. Or go back to wearing makeup everyday.
(This pic is of me with no makeup. NONE. Not even a smidge. Probably the first of its kind since I was 10. Oh and my dog’s name is Bourbon. Ha!)
My biggest fear is that I will go back to verbally abusing myself, to letting people’s opinions control me, to numbing out the bad and the good feelings. My biggest fear is that if I drink again I will forget how to go back to being content. To living in the now. To remembering what’s important. To laughing until I cry with my son. To building up walls between where I am now and where God has planned for me to go.
My biggest fear is sabotaging all the work. My biggest fear is just existing.
I want to live. I want all of it to count. And one drink. Well that just isn’t worth the risk of me never doing that.
But I have to remind myself by staying connected to others and their stories. To people who get it.
If you struggle with this or something similar please don’t wait for the big “wake up call” for something awful to happen or for someone to tell you that you need to get it together.
Act now. Like your life depends on it. Because it does. Stop settling to exist. You deserve to live.
Don’t just lie there and wait for it to be over. Get up and go!