This Is Virginia Kerr

How I outed myself to find accountability, freedom and joy. A life without alcohol.

I remember a few months ago…maybe month three of not drinking…telling a friend that I thought everyone should “go through recovery.” I couldn’t put my finger on why I thought that, I just knew that once I stopped drinking, I slowed down my days and started to filter my thoughts.

I started to enjoy life from a different seat.

I wasn’t focused on the not drinking as much as I was the why I drank in the first place. The triggers.

But even if you don’t have a drinking problem or you stopped drinking, the temptation to distract or numb is still there.

The triggers are still being pulled. Buttons still being pushed.

Now when I wrestle with feelings and thoughts I don’t have the option to drink them off so I ask why they’re so bothersome in the first place.

A smart man once told me that tears are a cause to pause. Don’t brush them off but articulate what’s causing you to cry those tears of sorrow or tears of happiness. Give it some attention.

Same goes for anger and frustration. Just like when my son cries and can’t tell me why. I sit quietly with him and encourage him to tell me what he’s feeling. Because I can’t help him if I don’t know what he’s feeling.

We can’t help ourselves if we don’t know what we’re feeling. I never learned that as a child because I numbed my feelings with food, alcohol and busy.

I’m finding that the people, places and things that get under my skin often have nothing to do with them but with me. I’ve allowed some kind of past rejection or insecurity to go unnoticed, bury itself deep and fester.

I need to know what’s under the hood that’s making that awful sound. So I can fix it, take out the damaged parts and move on.

I don’t have room for anger and resentment. I don’t have time to always be right.

I can see how my recent spring cleaning and house updates reflect the spring cleaning and updates I’ve done with myself.

The stuff I don’t like or don’t have use for don’t stand a chance in my home now. They’re either being sold, given away or trashed.

I now walk into a room and feel calm and relaxed because it’s organized and light. I don’t want any tired junk to mess with that peace.

Before, I would throw it under a bed. Cram it into a closet. Or Stuff it in a drawer that is so jam packed I can barely open it.

But I have a new found respect for this old house. It’s mine and I want it to be the best version of itself. I want it to be ready to host and house a friend. But I also want it to speak to who we are as a family not to impress people who don’t live here.

Now that I don’t drink off my frustrations and resentments I have to address them and trash them. Resolve them and put them to rest. Because I have no room to hide them. The drinking closet is gone.

I don’t want to be the person who spends my life trying to convince myself and others I’m always right..because that’s a whole different kind of wrong.

Just like my home, I want to respect myself, become the best version of me so that I have room to help and love others. Not fix, please and impress them. Just love them right where they are.

I want my triggers addressed so they don’t stand in the way of who I’m supposed to be and where I’m supposed to go.

After all, you don’t have time to be offended when you’re busy finding joy.

One thought on “Day 181

  1. Jessica says:

    “I started to enjoy life from a different seat”

    Perfect. Just perfect.


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